You came to me last weekened. You caught me off guard, but it felt so natural to talk to you, so easy, unlike anyone else. I can't help but like and I can't stay away. This sounds so cliche but its true. Its so wrong, everyone hates us two together. I'm crazy already, but hes even crazier. Maybe its bad because we both have that crazy apect, I need someone who's calm, a goody good, but thats so boring. I'm so attracted to him I can hardly stand it. Hes everything I dont need, well alomost. Hes gangster, a pariter, drinker, smokes pot. But I know he wants to change. I overheard from him and his friends, he says all the girls are sluts, theres only 1 in 5 million thats a good girl. I mean that actually cares and that doesnt just want sex. He's not into whores even though everything points to that he does. I mean we talk all the time and its nothing like the other guys. He can change and he is. Maybe this is my fairytale. But idc.

Lolololol

Ok all I post on here are about boys. This guy is going to be called T for hius initial. I met him a month ago (I dont like him, I like the other one). This guy inults me every single day LOL. About how dumb I am well it's true in that class, in Spanish I really do suck, so does Savitha. We had a open book quiz, it was based on the reading but I couldn't understand the reading because I hadn't learned those words because I had a different teacher last year. T doesn't know that. So when we get back our results, he said a dead person could do better then you LOL. Not once has he said something nice to me LOL, when I took out my lotion I offered him some and he said, "why would I want to smell like you?" omg Lol. I moved my seat, to sit behind him because of all the insults but I was laughing the whole time. So he leans back on the desk behind him which is me, and I had tried to get away from him in the first place lol.
But sometimes he gives me life lessons, he tells me how important junior year is, that "What you put in, in life, is what your going to get out," etc etc etc. He tells me that I really need to focus this year, that my life depends on it. I could tell he was going to insult me again and I said, "WHAT, are you now going to say I look like shit today because I know I do!" lol. And he said, "no, I don't judge people's looks." I can't help but admire that, how often do you hear a guy say that? When the teacher put some gay video, and there wasn't going to be a test on it or anything, so I just took out my phone to start texting. And he said, "What are you doing on your phone thats so important!?" and I said, "texting." He smiled and slapped his hand againt his face. LOL. So I put it away because I knew he wanted me too so I could pay attention to the movie and do good, I dont know why he cares lol. When he gives me these life lessons, I stare out into space because I know he' right so I just think about life. And I know he's watching me. It's just no one's like paid attention to me like that, to know what I'm thinking and to actually care enough to stare.

About the other guy, Idk why I'm attracted to him. Maybe because I really want to help someone, I failed to help my dad, I tried so hard for so many years. And now I want to try again. But how can I help someone when I can't even help myself!?

Shit

I'm getting myself deeper. It's so wrong in everyway, he's completely messed up. I just can't stay away. He's there every weekend. I try to ignore him but he comes to me. I can't help but smile, blush and give every sign that I want a relationship. He's so bad, he got arrested last year but he was released because he wasn't really involved but he was in a unrelated way. He smokes pot, drinks, parties, has probalby had a billion girls, dropped out of school, works full time. But those girls weren't actual relationships, I think he wants something real with me. I feel so out of control but so in control at the same time. I know I'm attracted to him but I feel aware, like I know that he needs to straighten out first, I'm gonna help him, Imma try. He just needs someone I can tell. I can see right through him, behind all the BS. Everyone walked out on him, who can blame him for the way he is. He's so happy at work to be around people, I can see it. This is going to screw me up so bad, I just know. I don't need this junior year, but I can't stay away. Why am I so attracted to him? He's everything I hate.

Confessions of My Life

I can't wait till I get out of this school. When I go to college I'm gonna be an entirely different person. My entire life I always fell in with the wrong people. In elementary school my best friend was Goth, the other was anorexic. (I'm not judging just saying how my friends were). In high school, 2 of them are complete drugatics, one is exstremely naive, a few are huge drinkers. A few of them are sluts. All these people are fake, but who am I to talk? I'm just as fake as they are. A girl, whom I never speak to, said I think that I'm better then everyone else. Which isn't true! But to be honest, now that I look back, I do act like I do. Even the way I sit and talk. Honestly, I wouldn't even be surprised if someone tries something on me. In school I'm one of those people you either hate or love. I have a lot of friends but at the same time a lot of people hate me. A few years back I used to be really mean. I'd insult people, I wasn't a bully but I'd be the person to make comments that were mean but so true out loud. I stopped though but I've been looked as that person. Every teacher hates me except for one. When I walk into a room every teacher looks at me like I'm gonna pull out a freckon gun. I'm just a girl! I haven't done nutin in years. Even when I ;isten to my damn ipod, my music sometimes on accident I put it too high and its like hard rap and once a teacher heard and looked at me as if rap is a sign that I'm in some type of gang.
Today some guy come up to me saying hi to me. Then how are you and then he said that he likes me. HES EXACTLY, THE TYPE of people I dont want to hang out with!!! His group is even worse then mine, he' in some kind of brazilian gang or whatever. When I got my nose pierced people were like that so basass. They don't mean it as a whore but like the image teachers already have of me. And I'm not exadgerating, EVERY teacher stares at me. If anyone even cares to rea this bs, when you have kids, listen to what your kids say and dont compare to your childhood. Because I guarentee you peer pressure will always get harder. My mom can never understand, I tell her how bad it is, what the kids do... and she just can't seem to understand how in the world that goes on in school But it does, all of it. Honestly high school is harder then the real world I'd have to say, at least people aren't in your face telling you what to do when there are 50 other people just like them around you. BS peer pressure is easy. People who say it is were obviously in some secluded area in the middle of nowhere in a tiny school, aka my mom. My dad understands. Hah the only thing he does understand from, coming from the guy who's done pot lol.
Honestly I'm surprised I've come this far without anything happening to me only a year and a half to go. My title has probalby got me out of most of it though, I just got lucky. Maybe my fake facade wasn't so bad. My old friend who is said by the school is a complete loser now, they bully her too, at least she's real. I'm not. I took the easy way just be like rest of them and act like your better then everyone else so no one can touch you.
And it's true no one can touch me phyically, mentally or verbally. Not ever.
Inside I'm just me.
I wont end up like Brian, he was jumped two days ago, beat up by 'MHS.' I wonder if he's blind, the inside of his eye was bleading.

Note to self: haha. Stay away from "R.M." We were friend when we first met, but I found out he's part of the gang cliques. Omg Aldora, there is complete difference with high school cliques and gangs. I'm not getting involved in this shit. Cliques hmm because they are all related they all 'click.'

I'll keep you updated Imma write in this thing from now on. When I get to college, no way I'm staying here with these people. Need to get out of central county.

Oh gawd, I'm so nervous what if he's not there tomorrow? What if he was fired omg, I really am starting to like him. I have these crazy butterflies... Please don't let him be fired God, please be there tomorrow! Funny this is the one guy my mom doesn't like from me.

Me

Everyone tells me I've changed.
Not gonna lie, I have changed.
Call it peer pressure, I call it finding me.
Like it or don't, just walk away like the rest of em.





Hehe ;)

Best Friend?

So lately I've got to be really close friends with a guy named John. But I mean we've been good friends for years. I think he likes me, but I don't like him...he's like a brother to me. But I'mreally starting to tell... I mean last night we were on the phone till 4 in the morning it wasn't till then that I realized he really like me. We played the question game and most of the questions were who do I like (which he asked twice), who i've liked this year and other really personal questions. But now I'm thinking back. He always hugs me, he puts my hair behind my ear ugh... and holds onto my hand. It's just when I asked him the same questions he said he liked this girl Ashley which I knew to be a fact he said a month ago then changed its to 2 weeks and then to less then a week. I dont know he was just changing it because he knew I didn't like him. But I really have no idea! Its just if I find out he does how can I be good friends with him without leading him on?

Omg tommorow I'm going to see Dave!!!!! <3 I'm so excited and nervous my plan better workkk!!

Truth

I didn't think I'd feel again. Not so soon, not in high school.
I always said I'd finally meet new guys at my new job, new people, but I was kidding! I didn't think I'd actually have feelings. I tried not having feeling's for guys, in the end there's always pain. I did so good for two years, after Davi. I build up these walls but then right when I meet that person, it's like everything I worked so hard for is gone. Now I sound like this depressed heart broken girl lol. But oh well no one reads this shit lol. Anyways this guy, I just, it just happened. This is going to sound sappy, but he has the most beautiful smile ever lol...I'm sorry it took me week to even look at his name tag because I couldn't stop staring at his eyes and smile. He's so happy, thats what I love, I love guy who smile. He's muscular and masculine not freaking noddle. I wonder what sports he plays.
He got yelled at his boss the other day, we're so similar, we both always get in trouble, it feels so wierd typing it but its true, we both stand up for ourselves and speak out. He's mature... he's kind of old, he's 20 and goes to Fitchburg state college. He's better then all the guys my age, he's mature, that's what matters to me. Its so cute how he greets me, he always notices me and when he does he stares, then smiles and then nods. It's so cute how he nods, cuz it he means it cuz he recognized I'm there. When I left kept staring omg, I'm really starting to like him, it's so bad. Omg it's like I've never learned since Davi, or from Jeff. Right now I can't stop smiling, I have butterflies, I feel so high lol.
God, please let this be real, just once. Omg so cuteeee when he was across the room and he noticed me... just the way he stared it was so obvious, I need to see him again. He got in trouble with out boss and he kept glancing at me and smiling and our boss got even more mad. We have to have breaks together, i just omg, this is so bad,
help...
The funny part is, that this is the one guy my mom doesn't like from me. He has a ear ring which makes him, 'modern.' I love his ear ring, I always like ear rings in guys honestly, just one though anything else is gross. My mom doesn't understand, I'm not like some old fashioned 100% girl that everyone expets me to be. I'm American, I'm not Peruvian, I'm not French, American. I'm not saying that either side is wrong or right, simply that I'm my own individual, myself, my opinion.
In all seriousness, when I went to Peru a lot of the people seemed strangely similar. They all had the same superstitions and myths... passed down from generations, but there absolutely no proof for what they say because there is no proof. It's just you'd think like, I dont know I don't know enough and I'm not judging but you'd think that maybe one day they'd develop their own opinion or actually look up and research the truth. Idk, thats just me. My whole life, I listened to what my parents say but all because they said it, it doesn't make it right. Thats just me.
But anyways what I like about him is that he's open minded. <3 :)

I can't wait to see him

Wow

I'm so confuzed but when am I not. I can't help but like him, but its so wrong. But I'm so confuzed, there's Nicholas, which would be so much better for me. But I just dont know anything, I have too much going on right now.

Ughhh

I saw him again today. He smiled and said Hi. I barely smiled back. Then when I was leaving he just stared at me instead trying to meet my gaze but I just looked away. Thats what I always do. Why am I so scared to feel again? I want to change but I don't know how.

o.o

So personal but I can relate to this song to every time of my life...

"And I don't want the world to see me'cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am"

ahahhaha

Ok so today I saw that guy again at the supermarket. lolol. Omg he was there too. I walked by and he smiled at me. omg. omg. He said, "Oh Wow! You look different," smiling. omg im so dumb and I smiled back so dumbly and said, "Oh okk." I didn't know what to say it wasn't a direct compliment. im sooo dumbbb. I showed my mom too him, of course she doesnt like him because he has a ear ring cuz its modern. But she understand since we live in the US its not like Peru haha, I honestly like an ear ring on a guy which is wierd. Hes very different from most guys I was interested in, hes kind of big, I mean very muscular.... lol...
I hope hes there tommorow omggg. lol

I thought I could again.
But I can't.
I'm sorry.

WOw..

Today I got into a huge fight at school. It was in History, Mike sits behind me. He was making fun of the way I talk, I was like you didn't just say that to my face lol. I don't let anyone say anything about me to my face, and if you piss me off like that, oh god don't even. So he's making these impersonations of me, then he's making fun of the way I laugh. Kristal gave me that look, so I smiled and yelled, "AT least I DONT smell like shit like you!" The whole class heard, his face turned red. And what I said was 100% true, everyone knows that, so everyone laughed. He shook his desk, he couldn't come up with anything to say until he said, "Close your legs," screaming it into my ear. Nobody said anything because what he said WAS SO STUPID LOL. Worst come back ever. The teacher heard and pulled us into the hallway. I'm not scared of him. Which I don't know if it's a good or bad thing. I'm seeing him again at the party tommorow, since we are out of school, I dont know what to expect.

:/ (Cont)

Oh one thing I just want to add. I really love my friends, I really do. But I know how immature some of them are, I don't trust anyone but myself. I've lost so many people over the years, I don't let anyone get close to me. With the school I used to go to, I've learned so much. If education was based on street smart I'd have graduated college by now. Or in the area I used to live in I had to deal with that everyday. Hearing people scream at night or gun shots. I remember in the middle of the night when I was 14 my mom and I hid in the hallway where there were no windows waiting for the screaming and shooting to stop. Or my dad whos lied my entire life, I can see through anyone's lie, including Ronie. I hate lying so much and this nothing to be proud of, but I'm a good liar. But I rarely ever lie though. Now I'm getting off topic, I just really want to go to college, at my new job most of the guys are older then me and they are all SOO different. I didn't think guys like that existed. I just need to get out of here. Kristal has been a really close of friend of mine now, she's grown up so much. I love herrrr :)

:/

Okay so my friend is having a party, all of my friends are going. But I just feel kind of bad, most of the people have like a couple, because EVERYONE is dating. But I just can't seem to get myself to like a guy in my school, for the past 3 years I've liked people outside my school in bordering schools. The guy I like now also doesn't go to my school I guess its an advantage and a disadvantage at the same time... and I only see him three times a week... But this party is in a couple days I dont think I'm gonna go, I'll feel left out not to mention a few unreliable people are going and I heard they are bringing pot and alcohol... obviously my friends wont do that but there are some other people that will especially the guys. If I go it will only be for the night, NO WAY WILL I SLEEPOVER, THATS DISGUSTING. I'm sorry to my two other friends that are girls and are sleeping over a guys house with a bunch of guys and think its fine since his sister will be there, but its not ok. I try explaining it my friend but she doesn't get it, shes so minipulative, why are most girls so minipulative? So many girls pressured to do things with because of peer pressure. I don't do any of what my friends do, and I have the same social status as the rest of them, nothing gained, all they did was lose.
I'm going to be completely honest, peer pressure had affected me, I've done things I regret. I've had thoughts, I'm not going to lie here, But THINKING, is COMPLETELY different from actually doing it. Honestly, what some people believe about me aren't true at all. In school I act act and kind of project myself in ways I shouldn't. Some people think I've done stuff, when I haven't it's just because I act like it since I'm loud, I'm always in trouble in school, so I guess other people assume I do the same as the rest of them when I don't. Really I'm just talk. I barely even understand what I am writing here right now. But what I mean is that I don't cross the line, I don't smoke or drink, never have never will.

Remember awhile ago I told you of this person who I said it'd never work out between us? He smiled at me today. It's just so unfair. We both know it'd never ever work out. I thought I'd be completely over him after what happened on Saturday, but I can't stop looking for him everywhere I go...

:)

I absolutely love my job!!! I love everyone there, their all so nice and polite. I know like five people and one of them is named Nicholas, hes so sweet and polite. Then theres this guy I met, he told me but I forgot right when he told me Lol, his smile distracted me. XD But I saw him again today and he kepy smiling at and he greeted me and asked me if I spoke Spanish but then I had to leave and couldn't talk to him any more. I'll see him again on Saturday bwahaha. Then he kept laughing at me because I didn't know where to put the food and I couldn't stop smiling like an idiot even though he was too. Soooo embarassing. Oh and I met a guy named Ben at break, he's really serious, I didn't think he'd talk to me but he did o.O We talked about different schools, and where I used to live, if I knew this person, but I didn't because I never attended the public schools in that area. Then he said I would be paid 12 dollars an hour because it was the holidays. I loveeeeeee being at the registed I meet soooo many people

no name

Right now, I'm crying. I can't believe he did this to me. When I tell him about it, he starts laughing and laughing, he didn't even apologize. I lost a friend forever because of him. I know he has such a big mouth but why? It wasnt till I told him I was crying he stopped laughing cuz then he knew I was serious it wasn't funny. Why can't everyone leave me alone about it, they never let go of my past, I've been trying to move on for months but no one lets me. How could he do this he was my friend and right now I'm crying and I dont know what to do or begin.

Friends.

Ok well I'm pissed off. One mistake I made in my life was at choosing friends. I have a lot of friends but none of them are close or 100% reliable with the exception of one. I thought I had 2 until today, now I don't even want to go to the party, it was just, WTH was she thinking of telling something I TOLD HER NOT TO. Especially to him! He told me like 2 hours later, I'm sorry but shes so stupid and now I'm so pissed off at her. I told her I didnt want anyone to know. Its so hard not to swear right now lol. I'm so sick of this social crap, there's so much drama, I've done everything for her, I WAS always there when her best friend wasn't and this is what she does? Then she said that thing about me, that is so personal, I could have slapped her. There are some things you NEVER say, in front of everyone. EVER. I was there when her dad was being verbally and physically abusive and then I tell her a tiny secret and she tells him!? Even though its a small secret, ITS THE POINT. Wow screw this I'm done, like sometimes I just can't wait to get out of this stupid school with immature people, they are only fun for a period of time but I can't trust any of them but for a few people and they aren't even considered my closest friends. I always choose the wrong friends, its just the good friends we don't have much in common but its just im so mad. I mean especially now I'm so hormonal with my period coming, ugh. I don't even know what to think of my other friend.

The Love of my life

Writing is my passion, always has been since I learned how to write. When the whole world wasn't there for me, my pen and paper was. It was the only thing that wouldn't judge me no matter who I became. Always there at all hours of the day. Never did writing give me pain, only relief. If only humans were like that, there'd be no divorce, envy or hate. But in all reality, people judge everyday. Now I know such a human hardly exists. There is no love if it wavers.

There is one person I never judged even though I tried so hard to, so I tried convincing myself of your imperfections. But I loved those to. But now you're gone from my life, we haven't spoke in years and no one knows your name.

I'm so sorry.
But I'll see you again very soon.

Life

How can you lose me, when you've already lost me?

How can you know me, if you doubt me?

Where are you when I needed you most?

Are you only there when I'm your perfect illusion?

Inside I'm a perfect disaster.

My heart doesn't get it.

I couldn't stand up for you because it felt fake.

And when I tried to show myself, I made my escape.

Too embarrassed to even say your name.

I try to read your pages but its all the same.

The light of hope is what I hold onto.

Then why do I feel so cold,

Where is your warmth?

I'm holding onto a grain of sand.

Will I ever be the same again?

Explanation to my Piercing.

When I went into school today, surprisingly a lot of people liked it. But my piercing wasn't because I thought it'd make me look better. Even though I'm not saying it hasn't crossed my mind. I guess, my piercing, kind of represents that I'm kind of a rebel. I don't mean like, lets go get high. It was just... I guess the action to make my dad angry. I also did it because it symbolizes something much bigger to me. Honestly, I don't like it a lot haha, I mean its ok, its so small you can barely even see it. Definitely not keeping this in, its too uncomfortable for me. But its RIDICULOUS how people of the older generation consider it to be trashy. I didn't get my tongue pierced, I'm not implying anything I'm not. Its cartilage the same part of the ear. My english teacher told me today she had her nose pierced and shes a decent woman, shes getting married next week and she has all the same values as I do. LOL, it's funny how 99% of the world watches porn and I've never once even had a temptation too and they want to tell me that my nose piercing is IKFWOFOHFoefjoefojhIDODFW. LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

Anyways, now that I got that out of the way. hehe. I'll talk about my day. It was great. My friend John is really amazing, lol, I asked him what he thought of my piercing and he said, "I don't know, its entirely up to you and if you like it, then keep it. I'm not going to tell you what to do." We get along so well, I can really talk to him and he doesn't judge anyone, if anyone talks bad about anyone then he just doesn't say anything. He's really a good kid... =] Like I admire him, he can keep a secret.

Other then that I went to the mall after and spent $$$ hehe and now I have nothing left... haha

WHAT!

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

I

HATE

U!

LOL

but the best part is, I DONT CARE. Dont judge me.

Snippet

Part 58

She stood in the middle of wilderness, waiting for it to come. For years she'd been running. It haunted her everyday. She wasn't afraid of dying, she was afraid what would come of this world if she died. The branches above her were rattling in the wind. She blocked out the sound of the distant waterfall, the occasional tweeting birds and the pounding of her heart. Deep inide her she wanted to cry, since that very first day. But she knew if she let that single tear fall, she wouldn't be able to stop. But it made her stronger. No one could destory her, she lost everything, she was immune to any emmotional interference. She straightened her back, chin up. Branches snapped behind her, but she recognized it, the sound of small animals. But then it stopped with one last thump. Then it was too quiet. It was coming, she knew. She closed her eyes before the pressure slammed against her back, throwing her into the air, pounding her onto a tree trunk. She thought she'd be unconscious, but she was fully aware of the pain that hit her like a meteor blasting into millions of fragments. She screamed a cry of death, but death didn't take her. She looked up towards the sky, before her her head fell forward staring into the innocent yet defying forest. This was it, she thought.

Well

Its so wrong.
But I can't help how I feel.
And the worst part is nobody knows.

Guys

Lol ok. So the last few days have been great. I feel so free, I know that sounds kinda weird but its true. I don't have feelings for any guy which makes me feel in control, it feels so good. Today, I found out that Steve and Gabby are dating!?!?! WTF! LOL. So gay, he broke up with his other girlfriend 2 days ago! Steve is just so full of it haha, YESTERDAY, he was staring at me and smiling. He always does that. He tried kissing me in the hallway once.
Other topic. Two friends want to kill each other. She stole my bf blah blah blah, I can't go out with him till things calm down. Shut up. This has all started from day one, just stop. Kevin doesn't like her as much as last year either, he made fun of her yesterday to me.
Oh and Adam is going to the same college as me I found out he said, "now when I go to college I dont have to do the horse, umbilical cord, or the German" LOL! Hes so funny, I love sitting next to him and Jamie in Physics. So my friend likes Jamie, but he also likes my other friend but I think their going out on Sunday. I really hope they go out though. And Ronie need to shut the hell up and stop flirting with me. Idk how to tell Savitha, he brushed my arm before, he tickles me, says how awesome I am, what a good friend I am, how I look good. Stop. Please.
Oh and then there is that other problem I have. That is absolutely impossible, that would never be socially accepted, that'd be so wrong, messed up and I'd literally ruin her life. Of all the people right? Oh and Ronie's brother was born today, he is absolutely adorable! Oh and I think John still like me... :/ he asked me out during the summer... but it never like worked out?

I know its weird writing this on here but no ones reads this crap lol. I guess its just something that I can read about in the future and see how things work out.

Well I gtg clean my guinea pig's cage.

Omg.

Just when I trust you, everything just falls. How could I be so stupid? Why don't I ever learn? When I need you most your not even here. Your never here when I need you. You don't even have the slightest clue. No one understands. No one knows. The worst people, every time. Now its impossible. The one thing I wanted, the one thing I'd be happy to die with, is taken away from me everytime. But somehow, it comes back. But then its gone.
Just like that.
I can almost hate you for it.
But I can't.
That deal was stupid. I needed the truth.
Not illusion.
You were a good friend though, you were only doing what I told you to do.
But of course, thats what I'm good at, telling people what to do,
sometimes, I'm no different from him.

Memories

I've always had a small box in my room. I remember when I was little I put down my most important memories. There isn't really much. There are three notes inside with two picture of my cat Molo. Who I miss so much. I loved him. The notes are about six years old. It says,

"Look for Dawah my friend. When I grow up, become a singer and never drink or smoke. Since my dad smokes and I wish he would stop. Always remember Selys Rivera, my best friend since we were seven years old. My second best friend Stephani who always said things about the popular girls to help me feel better when they made fun of me. (Don't remember this at all) Have lots of cats their my favorite animal. Dawah lives on 33 Oberlin Street, Worcester, Massachusetts. Give money to the hospital. Go to church every Sunday in memory of God who has helped me through my asthma. Thank God for allowing me to have nothing serious."
And of course, Selys' favorite part where it says, "Name my kids, InuYasha, Kagome, Kikyo and Sesshomaru" lol.

I have to find Dawah some day.

...

Ok. I clearly only write here, when I'm upset, annoyed or just blah. Ok well Im sick of his lies, I'm sick of him in general. Thats all I have to say lol

Ok well, lately I´ve been talking to this guy a lot from school. Like I mean we´re friends but I never thought like I´d start to like him. He´s the funniest person I´ve ever known too. lol. But I dont even know, I´m so confuzed because there´s this other guy too. I used to think ifyou felt butterflies then that meant you like him!?!?!?! But I don´t even know because I don´t feel butterflies for either one. So I think I actually don´t like anyone??? I´m so confuzed. I´m always confuzed. In general I always know what I want, if I dont care then I say it. But when it comes to relationships it gets so complicated for me. I´ve never been in a relationship because I never even give anyone a chance. I dont know why I´m like this. Well I do, honestly it just I anazlye the relationship. Then I already know, that it won´t work, why even try something that won´t work. It saves heatbreak. You know what? I think I just solved my own problem. I´m not ready for a relationship, funny how I´m almost 17. Deep down I wan´t a good relationship with a commitment. Not something meaningless with high school relationships. So I guess, to put in general, I´d rather have no commitment relationship at all right now. Just date, see how it goes for fun. It shouldn´t be like that though. You know, I used to think that nobody took me seriously. But now I know that its me. I dont take anyone seriously. It all just a joke.

fgiwgueruyewrpohusahpweuth?

Ok so I got a problem.
I'm lying to myself.
Thanks bye. lol.

WELL

OK
I'm in Peru for 3 weeks. 2 Car accidents from two friends......friend having dad alcoholic problems, my friends mom is dying, my friend just moved into an even worse neighborhood in the ghetto..... just wow.

VENTING : RONIE

Ok well, I'm sick again and its reallllllllllllyyy starting to get annoying. It one sickness after the other. But more importantly my period is coming. It makes me, depressed, antisocial, tired and emotional. Not only that I'm annoyed at some people. One is extremely important to me. But you know? I'm not going to think about it! =D Ronie is pissing me off. People are messaging me on facebook, PEOPLE I BARELY EVEN SPEAK TO, tell me, "Ronie likes you." OMG, What oh what do I do? Why is he going out with my closest friend ever, like REALLY? EVEN right before they dated, he ALWAYS flirted with me. More then anyone. He even touches me when I don't want him to... like my arms... I mean he's my friend but nothing else. How do I tell Savitha this? When Him and Savitha broke up for one hour or whatever, he immediately thought that I tried to split them up yet he wasn't even mad at me. It's funny, a year ago we hated each other to death. Now he's like a close friend of mine. What do I do?

Ugh

Don't get me wrong I love Peru. But my grand parents are really starting to get on my nerves. Everywhere I go they are holding onto me. I'm not 5 years old, I don't need someone to hold on my hand. I can walk 10 feet away without an escort. I'm capable of walking. My mom better do something because its driving me CRAZY!
I'm sick of being questioned by my grandma, she asked the same question 15 times in a row... and I say yes 15 times in a row. I love them, I mean their my grand parents... If I don't get me freedom I'll die...
Even my mom said her mother was annoying lol. My grandma is just so scared of life, my grandma and I are complete opposites... I'm really chill but shes so scared. I know its common for old people but not to my grandma's degree, she's been this way her entire life according to my mom. I can't seem to understand her because I didn't grow up with her... and she didn't grow up with me so she shouldn't be telling me what to wear... when I'm with other people she tells me WHAT to say... I want to wear flip flops without hearing the word 'feo' repeatedly. I don't care what Peru thinks about me, I am who I am. AND I am 100% SURE no one cares if I wear flip flops. My grandma cares TOO MUCH about what people will think. Even if they did care, I'd rather be hated for who I am then who I'm not. And these are flip flops we're talking about!!! Lol as you can tell I'm kind of pissed off. I don't really eat much and since I don't I'm always questioned about everything! Like for me not eating to my grandma there has to be a reason, when there isn't I simply JUST don't WANT to eat. And she thinks it's because I'm sick...blah blah blah.
If I was as nervous as she was... I dont know what I would do. lol. If a car comes to close to ours which happens like 100 times a day in Peru... she starts praying or saying 'dios' 'dios' omg. LOL.
Once my uncle put on the air conditioner for 20 minutes she ranted on about how old it was even though he had turned it off. Seriously.
I love my uncle he's so fun to be with lol and my cousin.
I'm starting to miss my mom. They say grand parents are like parents. PFT YAH right.
My mom is protective too... but in the healthy way. She's not over the top! She lets me walk in malls by myself with my friends. She doesn't hold onto me like a toddler.
Oh my god my mom is like the perfect mother compared to these people LOL

First Day In Peru :]

Well, today we didn't do much.
I'm still tired from the trip and all and my cousin has been in college. But basically we went out to Pardo's Chicken... then we went back home. Then we went to Radio Shack to buy the thing for my straightener hehe. So yeah that's it LOL. But I got to talk with my grandparents and I learned a new word! Antisimpatico. I don't know if I spelled it right but its the opposite of simpatico.
I already know its going to be kind of boring here since my grand parents are old... But anything is better then staying in Massachusetts lol. The only thing I'll miss there are my parents and my friends. But I'm honestly pretty happy to be away from my friends... I need a break from them. And back home I'm so confused about my feelings. And here I don't have to think about it or feel bad about keeping it all to myself. Nobody knows about it.
Not only that I mean a day after summer began my friends were having problems. I mean its SUMMER. One of my friends is int freaking Maryland and shes causing problems. Lol.
Giancarlo will be here in a couple weeks which is good lol. What I like about him is that he doesn't say anything bad about anyone. Or if he does think badly of someone he keeps it too himself. He's really fun to be with, :] He's my best guy friend even though all he does is play video games, watch TV and go on Facebook LOL.
I have two other friends here that also go to my school Fiorella and Bianca but I forgot to tell them when I was going and they never go online now that they are in Peru. lol.

I never know what to title this..

Well yesterday I got the weirdest Formspring yet. I've been doing some checking, and I have the slightest idea who it might be. But if it is... it'll ruin my goal from yesterday. But at same time I doubt. I guess I'll have to wait till he responds or until next year.
Anyways tomorrow I'm going to Peru. Everyone thinks I'm chill about it, but inside I'm petrified. I've never been away this long. But at the same time I super excited. I have four of my friends at school in Peru at the same time as me, Fiorella, Bianca, Giancarlo and Hannah. But Giancarlo is my closest friend of them all so I'll be seeing him a lot. Lol, someone to speak English and who understand me! Thank God. lol. I'm sick and I hope the pressure doesn't hurt my ears...
Savitha is going to call me from Massachusetts since she has international calling.
I'm so scared and there is no one to talk too. My friends don't even remotely understand LOL. And my mom is freaking out too, making sure I don't forget anything. Ugh...

Well.

I woke up and felt sick but I can tell I'm getting better. I still went to the mall though and the movies with my friends. I bought a new purse, finally my first actual purse lol. But anyways, I was wish Kristal and Savitha for like 15 minutes. And we saw the hottest Brazilian. Haha, we would. Then we met up with the guys at the mall. I felt kind of bad that we didn't invite Selys... the guys don't really like her. They didn't invite Erin either. Erin used to be my best friend but I don't like her at all anymore. She's changed. I've changed.
Then I got new friends...
So we went to the movies, the movie was wicked funny. Adam was a douche the whole time lol. He laughed at parts that weren't even funny. There were old ladies in front of us telling us to shush because we were so loud. And then two of my friends Shushed back at them. Admittedly it was disrespectful... Most of my friends are really immature... But I'm not one to talk, especially lately.
My friend are doing drivers ed this summer. Thank God, I can go out more lol.
Next year I'm really going try in school... I need a good GPA to get into UMI.
I really screwed up this year.
Savitha and I really screwed up, we both chose social life before academics. 9th grade is really good I don't know what happened 10th grade. I mean I was going out with friends on Wednesday's instead of studying...
I realize now, I only have two years of school left.
In two year no one is going to care where I went or who I was friends with.
But education is for a lifetime. One day, I swear to myself, one day I'll be somebody. Someday I'm going to help people.
This isn't related but once I read... that a guy who was one of the popular ones in school ended up working in McDonalds for years lol.
One day I'll publish a book. :]
But I absolutely know I won't be in any relationship for the next year. Its too much of a distraction for me. When I always get to know someone I push them away, I think I've said this before. But yeah. And right now honestly I'm confused about 3 people. Which is immature of me. So obviously I'm unstable Lol. So I decided I wont do anything about any of them. It's not fair on both parts. I'm going to be like the girl Estella in Great Expectations who has 'no feelings,' Lol hehehe. Giancarlo told me, that the difference between boys and girls is that girls have feelings. Which is so true lol.

So

So. Ronie and Savitha are going out. Hah. I'm against it but I support Savitha since she's my friend. Ronie is my friend, he'll never be anything more then that. I don't trust Ronie. He went out with my other friend. He lied and cheated on her. They only dated for less then a month. Savitha has never had a boyfriend in her life, she was similar too me, we didn't have relationships with guys since most of them were jokes to us. Ronie is the biggest joke around. I don't want my friend to be hurt, and I don't want my friendship with Savitha to be damaged. Ronie flirts with me a lot, rather then Savitha. Ronie and I are really similar in some way, we both laugh all day, we make fun of each other and laugh, we joke about other people all the time. And people never guessed he even liked Savitha, people thought he liked me since he always flirted with me, he even tried touching me. I pushed him away of course. But Savitha deserves so much better! There is no point in being in a relationship that isn't going to work out in the first place. If he liked her so much he wouldn't be flirting with her best friend. i try convincing Savitha but she's so blinded by him. He has also went out with my other friend Molly. Now them too hate each other.
Savitha used to like Davi. Now she isn't sure since Davi is coming back in a couple of months. She thinks she might like Davi again so whats the point of starting one with Ronie. I heard from someone that Davi is coming back because of me. But I strongly and wholly doubt it. It's just weird how he hasn't like another girl since, I know this from Ronie and some of his friends at MHS. It's weird how he is coming back right after his brother graduated, it's like he always planned to come back and only wanted to stay because his brother was there. Nobody comes back to my school after a whole year...at most, a couple months.
This weekend I'm seeing Davi. Since we have to go there, it's where Davi works...
So yeah. This is whats up with my life. I saw Toy Story 3 with my friend yesterday, it was a good movie... but the first one was better. It's sad how near the end the toys almost died. :[
Andy is pretty hot for a carttoon lol.
But other then Davi, I don't take any of my guys friends seriously. I don't think I'll ever have a relationship in high school, because plainly, I dont want too. High School is a joke too me. I only care about having fun screw the complicated.
Ronie told me himself, that all his relationships were never taken seriously, just for fun lol.
To me, my only focus is doing better in school next year, finish writing my book and having a great time with my friends. Thats my life's focus. Boyfriends are at the bottom of my list.
Deep in my heart, I wasnt him to come back.
Thats my flaw lol.

Omg so true

"It's like she is trying to make up for what she ain't but"

hmm

I can relate to this song so much
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7W4I0tQZps
"When it's all said and done. Even I dont like me"
Being in high school is so hard sometimes lol.

LOL

Ok, I know I deleted all of my posts mainly because I reread them and it felt stupid. But I really need to say some stuff. So I'm wicked confuzed. So there's this guy...LOL... but it's impossible for it to work out because it'd NEVER be socially accepted and it's inapropriate. I won't say what Im talking about because it's just too personal. All the time in the hallways he makes eye contact with me and then smiles everyday.
But I hate it because it's similar to the feeling I had with Davi. And Davi is coming back next year. I dont know for sure but even Felipe said he was! My friend is asking Ronie since he won't lie to her since Ronnie knows I had the biggest thing for Davi last year.
I really need this summer lol.
I'm honestly having some problems with my friends. One of them came and told me that we aren't as close as we used to be. Which I don't really understand. Nothing's changed other then the last couple days because she was quiet. But I guess I understand her... she's so stressed about school. We both haven't been doing as good as we were supposed to be. We both leaned over towards the social life. Not only that I feel really bad... on every single test, quiz I have done better then her... For the math final she studied for 5 hours... I barely studied and I got over 20 points higher then her...
There's so much drama to type in one post. I'm worried if she'll go out with my friend. No offence to him but she deserves so much better then him. She's so innocent and he's a drinking sex atic. I try telling her that he is going to have expectations from her that she won't be able to give him. He is known for cheating. During the year he 'liked' her... he's had sex and flirted with 20 girls.
Next year is SAT's, I really need to take school seriously. So much has happened this year.
I made a few new friends though. Their names are Grace and Jerry.
Jerry is the nicest person I have ever met. lol.
What I realized lately about myself is that I'm not mature enough to have a relationship lol. I'm still too much into physical looks... but I know it's a lie. I honestly in my heart don't care about how someone looks. But I'm really not looking for any relationship at all. I just like having fun.
My ''''''''friend''''''''' is spreading rumors about me. She said I like him. Because she can tell by the way I "LOOK" at him. Complete BS.
This is what I love about guys, they dont start all the drama crap the way girls do. Their fun to joke around and be with. Girls take things too seriously sometimes.
Well I'm wicked tired...
Night :]