I guess this is just whats been going on lately. I've changed so much lately. I'm never legit home. Every weekend I've been going to parties and during the week I'm just everywhere. I don't know if thats a good thing. My grades are going up and I'm getting decent sleep actually. Omg 2011 has been crazy everyone can drive now its just I feel so old now. But I love it, like I always feel so high now. Everything is just so good now. I'm so excited for this summer. I met a great guy too, his name is Willson he was just so chill like he came up to me asking me all this shit like what school I go to, etc, how old blah blah and then he said, "Your a pretty girl I'm not gonna lie I check you out sometimes. I don't mean to come off as a creeper but do you have a bf?" I was like no. and he said, "you know maybe you and I can try ya know?" Its just I loveeeee straight forward guys like that. I hate these shy guys that take months to say something its a waste of time if playing chase. Its immature he just he said so smoothly he doesn't seem like a player it was soo natural about it all. I'm sooo much happier this way. Like before I was so different. I guess basically I just have a bunch of attractions not really any feelings for any of them. Before I was always the one having feelings but not anymore. I can't handle feelings, I'm 17, I'm free I can do whatever I want...
I'm sorry John, for hurting you. The feelings I get with you are bad, in all honesty you deserve so much better then me... if only I can say this to you...
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Wierd
Its so wierd really, I can't stop liking him. But I hate him at the same time, I hate him but like him so much lol. I feel so high haha. The butterflies are killing me!!!
But I hate this, I swore it wouldn't be someone from school. I didn't even know him until this school year and everything changed. I promised myself I wouldn't date anyone in high school. This is bad I see him everyday so it's different, I was fine before just having a bunch of guy friends in and out of school, I was happy, no commitment, nothing. I dont want a relationship I know its bad but its true. I knew if I met the right person then I would want a relationship but this is way too soon. I have to fix my personal problems first, my mom made me realize that I still have a lot of anger towards my dad, I have problems with having an actual relationship because of my dad so dating anyone would be unsucessful. I need to focus on school, relationships are time consuming and stressful. Do I really think it'll be like that with him? No I don't I'm just making excuses not to date him because im petrified.
He actually cares about me, WANTS to know me and that what scares me most. It's wierd because he seems fascinated by my answers like he can't figure it out so he asks more questions idk y. But thats what I'm afraid of him knowing me more then he already does.
But I hate this, I swore it wouldn't be someone from school. I didn't even know him until this school year and everything changed. I promised myself I wouldn't date anyone in high school. This is bad I see him everyday so it's different, I was fine before just having a bunch of guy friends in and out of school, I was happy, no commitment, nothing. I dont want a relationship I know its bad but its true. I knew if I met the right person then I would want a relationship but this is way too soon. I have to fix my personal problems first, my mom made me realize that I still have a lot of anger towards my dad, I have problems with having an actual relationship because of my dad so dating anyone would be unsucessful. I need to focus on school, relationships are time consuming and stressful. Do I really think it'll be like that with him? No I don't I'm just making excuses not to date him because im petrified.
He actually cares about me, WANTS to know me and that what scares me most. It's wierd because he seems fascinated by my answers like he can't figure it out so he asks more questions idk y. But thats what I'm afraid of him knowing me more then he already does.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
You came to me last weekened. You caught me off guard, but it felt so natural to talk to you, so easy, unlike anyone else. I can't help but like and I can't stay away. This sounds so cliche but its true. Its so wrong, everyone hates us two together. I'm crazy already, but hes even crazier. Maybe its bad because we both have that crazy apect, I need someone who's calm, a goody good, but thats so boring. I'm so attracted to him I can hardly stand it. Hes everything I dont need, well alomost. Hes gangster, a pariter, drinker, smokes pot. But I know he wants to change. I overheard from him and his friends, he says all the girls are sluts, theres only 1 in 5 million thats a good girl. I mean that actually cares and that doesnt just want sex. He's not into whores even though everything points to that he does. I mean we talk all the time and its nothing like the other guys. He can change and he is. Maybe this is my fairytale. But idc.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Lolololol
Ok all I post on here are about boys. This guy is going to be called T for hius initial. I met him a month ago (I dont like him, I like the other one). This guy inults me every single day LOL. About how dumb I am well it's true in that class, in Spanish I really do suck, so does Savitha. We had a open book quiz, it was based on the reading but I couldn't understand the reading because I hadn't learned those words because I had a different teacher last year. T doesn't know that. So when we get back our results, he said a dead person could do better then you LOL. Not once has he said something nice to me LOL, when I took out my lotion I offered him some and he said, "why would I want to smell like you?" omg Lol. I moved my seat, to sit behind him because of all the insults but I was laughing the whole time. So he leans back on the desk behind him which is me, and I had tried to get away from him in the first place lol.
But sometimes he gives me life lessons, he tells me how important junior year is, that "What you put in, in life, is what your going to get out," etc etc etc. He tells me that I really need to focus this year, that my life depends on it. I could tell he was going to insult me again and I said, "WHAT, are you now going to say I look like shit today because I know I do!" lol. And he said, "no, I don't judge people's looks." I can't help but admire that, how often do you hear a guy say that? When the teacher put some gay video, and there wasn't going to be a test on it or anything, so I just took out my phone to start texting. And he said, "What are you doing on your phone thats so important!?" and I said, "texting." He smiled and slapped his hand againt his face. LOL. So I put it away because I knew he wanted me too so I could pay attention to the movie and do good, I dont know why he cares lol. When he gives me these life lessons, I stare out into space because I know he' right so I just think about life. And I know he's watching me. It's just no one's like paid attention to me like that, to know what I'm thinking and to actually care enough to stare.
About the other guy, Idk why I'm attracted to him. Maybe because I really want to help someone, I failed to help my dad, I tried so hard for so many years. And now I want to try again. But how can I help someone when I can't even help myself!?
But sometimes he gives me life lessons, he tells me how important junior year is, that "What you put in, in life, is what your going to get out," etc etc etc. He tells me that I really need to focus this year, that my life depends on it. I could tell he was going to insult me again and I said, "WHAT, are you now going to say I look like shit today because I know I do!" lol. And he said, "no, I don't judge people's looks." I can't help but admire that, how often do you hear a guy say that? When the teacher put some gay video, and there wasn't going to be a test on it or anything, so I just took out my phone to start texting. And he said, "What are you doing on your phone thats so important!?" and I said, "texting." He smiled and slapped his hand againt his face. LOL. So I put it away because I knew he wanted me too so I could pay attention to the movie and do good, I dont know why he cares lol. When he gives me these life lessons, I stare out into space because I know he' right so I just think about life. And I know he's watching me. It's just no one's like paid attention to me like that, to know what I'm thinking and to actually care enough to stare.
About the other guy, Idk why I'm attracted to him. Maybe because I really want to help someone, I failed to help my dad, I tried so hard for so many years. And now I want to try again. But how can I help someone when I can't even help myself!?
Monday, November 22, 2010
Shit
I'm getting myself deeper. It's so wrong in everyway, he's completely messed up. I just can't stay away. He's there every weekend. I try to ignore him but he comes to me. I can't help but smile, blush and give every sign that I want a relationship. He's so bad, he got arrested last year but he was released because he wasn't really involved but he was in a unrelated way. He smokes pot, drinks, parties, has probalby had a billion girls, dropped out of school, works full time. But those girls weren't actual relationships, I think he wants something real with me. I feel so out of control but so in control at the same time. I know I'm attracted to him but I feel aware, like I know that he needs to straighten out first, I'm gonna help him, Imma try. He just needs someone I can tell. I can see right through him, behind all the BS. Everyone walked out on him, who can blame him for the way he is. He's so happy at work to be around people, I can see it. This is going to screw me up so bad, I just know. I don't need this junior year, but I can't stay away. Why am I so attracted to him? He's everything I hate.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Confessions of My Life
I can't wait till I get out of this school. When I go to college I'm gonna be an entirely different person. My entire life I always fell in with the wrong people. In elementary school my best friend was Goth, the other was anorexic. (I'm not judging just saying how my friends were). In high school, 2 of them are complete drugatics, one is exstremely naive, a few are huge drinkers. A few of them are sluts. All these people are fake, but who am I to talk? I'm just as fake as they are. A girl, whom I never speak to, said I think that I'm better then everyone else. Which isn't true! But to be honest, now that I look back, I do act like I do. Even the way I sit and talk. Honestly, I wouldn't even be surprised if someone tries something on me. In school I'm one of those people you either hate or love. I have a lot of friends but at the same time a lot of people hate me. A few years back I used to be really mean. I'd insult people, I wasn't a bully but I'd be the person to make comments that were mean but so true out loud. I stopped though but I've been looked as that person. Every teacher hates me except for one. When I walk into a room every teacher looks at me like I'm gonna pull out a freckon gun. I'm just a girl! I haven't done nutin in years. Even when I ;isten to my damn ipod, my music sometimes on accident I put it too high and its like hard rap and once a teacher heard and looked at me as if rap is a sign that I'm in some type of gang.
Today some guy come up to me saying hi to me. Then how are you and then he said that he likes me. HES EXACTLY, THE TYPE of people I dont want to hang out with!!! His group is even worse then mine, he' in some kind of brazilian gang or whatever. When I got my nose pierced people were like that so basass. They don't mean it as a whore but like the image teachers already have of me. And I'm not exadgerating, EVERY teacher stares at me. If anyone even cares to rea this bs, when you have kids, listen to what your kids say and dont compare to your childhood. Because I guarentee you peer pressure will always get harder. My mom can never understand, I tell her how bad it is, what the kids do... and she just can't seem to understand how in the world that goes on in school But it does, all of it. Honestly high school is harder then the real world I'd have to say, at least people aren't in your face telling you what to do when there are 50 other people just like them around you. BS peer pressure is easy. People who say it is were obviously in some secluded area in the middle of nowhere in a tiny school, aka my mom. My dad understands. Hah the only thing he does understand from, coming from the guy who's done pot lol.
Honestly I'm surprised I've come this far without anything happening to me only a year and a half to go. My title has probalby got me out of most of it though, I just got lucky. Maybe my fake facade wasn't so bad. My old friend who is said by the school is a complete loser now, they bully her too, at least she's real. I'm not. I took the easy way just be like rest of them and act like your better then everyone else so no one can touch you.
And it's true no one can touch me phyically, mentally or verbally. Not ever.
Inside I'm just me.
I wont end up like Brian, he was jumped two days ago, beat up by 'MHS.' I wonder if he's blind, the inside of his eye was bleading.
Note to self: haha. Stay away from "R.M." We were friend when we first met, but I found out he's part of the gang cliques. Omg Aldora, there is complete difference with high school cliques and gangs. I'm not getting involved in this shit. Cliques hmm because they are all related they all 'click.'
I'll keep you updated Imma write in this thing from now on. When I get to college, no way I'm staying here with these people. Need to get out of central county.
Today some guy come up to me saying hi to me. Then how are you and then he said that he likes me. HES EXACTLY, THE TYPE of people I dont want to hang out with!!! His group is even worse then mine, he' in some kind of brazilian gang or whatever. When I got my nose pierced people were like that so basass. They don't mean it as a whore but like the image teachers already have of me. And I'm not exadgerating, EVERY teacher stares at me. If anyone even cares to rea this bs, when you have kids, listen to what your kids say and dont compare to your childhood. Because I guarentee you peer pressure will always get harder. My mom can never understand, I tell her how bad it is, what the kids do... and she just can't seem to understand how in the world that goes on in school But it does, all of it. Honestly high school is harder then the real world I'd have to say, at least people aren't in your face telling you what to do when there are 50 other people just like them around you. BS peer pressure is easy. People who say it is were obviously in some secluded area in the middle of nowhere in a tiny school, aka my mom. My dad understands. Hah the only thing he does understand from, coming from the guy who's done pot lol.
Honestly I'm surprised I've come this far without anything happening to me only a year and a half to go. My title has probalby got me out of most of it though, I just got lucky. Maybe my fake facade wasn't so bad. My old friend who is said by the school is a complete loser now, they bully her too, at least she's real. I'm not. I took the easy way just be like rest of them and act like your better then everyone else so no one can touch you.
And it's true no one can touch me phyically, mentally or verbally. Not ever.
Inside I'm just me.
I wont end up like Brian, he was jumped two days ago, beat up by 'MHS.' I wonder if he's blind, the inside of his eye was bleading.
Note to self: haha. Stay away from "R.M." We were friend when we first met, but I found out he's part of the gang cliques. Omg Aldora, there is complete difference with high school cliques and gangs. I'm not getting involved in this shit. Cliques hmm because they are all related they all 'click.'
I'll keep you updated Imma write in this thing from now on. When I get to college, no way I'm staying here with these people. Need to get out of central county.
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