Lolololol

Ok all I post on here are about boys. This guy is going to be called T for hius initial. I met him a month ago (I dont like him, I like the other one). This guy inults me every single day LOL. About how dumb I am well it's true in that class, in Spanish I really do suck, so does Savitha. We had a open book quiz, it was based on the reading but I couldn't understand the reading because I hadn't learned those words because I had a different teacher last year. T doesn't know that. So when we get back our results, he said a dead person could do better then you LOL. Not once has he said something nice to me LOL, when I took out my lotion I offered him some and he said, "why would I want to smell like you?" omg Lol. I moved my seat, to sit behind him because of all the insults but I was laughing the whole time. So he leans back on the desk behind him which is me, and I had tried to get away from him in the first place lol.
But sometimes he gives me life lessons, he tells me how important junior year is, that "What you put in, in life, is what your going to get out," etc etc etc. He tells me that I really need to focus this year, that my life depends on it. I could tell he was going to insult me again and I said, "WHAT, are you now going to say I look like shit today because I know I do!" lol. And he said, "no, I don't judge people's looks." I can't help but admire that, how often do you hear a guy say that? When the teacher put some gay video, and there wasn't going to be a test on it or anything, so I just took out my phone to start texting. And he said, "What are you doing on your phone thats so important!?" and I said, "texting." He smiled and slapped his hand againt his face. LOL. So I put it away because I knew he wanted me too so I could pay attention to the movie and do good, I dont know why he cares lol. When he gives me these life lessons, I stare out into space because I know he' right so I just think about life. And I know he's watching me. It's just no one's like paid attention to me like that, to know what I'm thinking and to actually care enough to stare.

About the other guy, Idk why I'm attracted to him. Maybe because I really want to help someone, I failed to help my dad, I tried so hard for so many years. And now I want to try again. But how can I help someone when I can't even help myself!?

Shit

I'm getting myself deeper. It's so wrong in everyway, he's completely messed up. I just can't stay away. He's there every weekend. I try to ignore him but he comes to me. I can't help but smile, blush and give every sign that I want a relationship. He's so bad, he got arrested last year but he was released because he wasn't really involved but he was in a unrelated way. He smokes pot, drinks, parties, has probalby had a billion girls, dropped out of school, works full time. But those girls weren't actual relationships, I think he wants something real with me. I feel so out of control but so in control at the same time. I know I'm attracted to him but I feel aware, like I know that he needs to straighten out first, I'm gonna help him, Imma try. He just needs someone I can tell. I can see right through him, behind all the BS. Everyone walked out on him, who can blame him for the way he is. He's so happy at work to be around people, I can see it. This is going to screw me up so bad, I just know. I don't need this junior year, but I can't stay away. Why am I so attracted to him? He's everything I hate.

Confessions of My Life

I can't wait till I get out of this school. When I go to college I'm gonna be an entirely different person. My entire life I always fell in with the wrong people. In elementary school my best friend was Goth, the other was anorexic. (I'm not judging just saying how my friends were). In high school, 2 of them are complete drugatics, one is exstremely naive, a few are huge drinkers. A few of them are sluts. All these people are fake, but who am I to talk? I'm just as fake as they are. A girl, whom I never speak to, said I think that I'm better then everyone else. Which isn't true! But to be honest, now that I look back, I do act like I do. Even the way I sit and talk. Honestly, I wouldn't even be surprised if someone tries something on me. In school I'm one of those people you either hate or love. I have a lot of friends but at the same time a lot of people hate me. A few years back I used to be really mean. I'd insult people, I wasn't a bully but I'd be the person to make comments that were mean but so true out loud. I stopped though but I've been looked as that person. Every teacher hates me except for one. When I walk into a room every teacher looks at me like I'm gonna pull out a freckon gun. I'm just a girl! I haven't done nutin in years. Even when I ;isten to my damn ipod, my music sometimes on accident I put it too high and its like hard rap and once a teacher heard and looked at me as if rap is a sign that I'm in some type of gang.
Today some guy come up to me saying hi to me. Then how are you and then he said that he likes me. HES EXACTLY, THE TYPE of people I dont want to hang out with!!! His group is even worse then mine, he' in some kind of brazilian gang or whatever. When I got my nose pierced people were like that so basass. They don't mean it as a whore but like the image teachers already have of me. And I'm not exadgerating, EVERY teacher stares at me. If anyone even cares to rea this bs, when you have kids, listen to what your kids say and dont compare to your childhood. Because I guarentee you peer pressure will always get harder. My mom can never understand, I tell her how bad it is, what the kids do... and she just can't seem to understand how in the world that goes on in school But it does, all of it. Honestly high school is harder then the real world I'd have to say, at least people aren't in your face telling you what to do when there are 50 other people just like them around you. BS peer pressure is easy. People who say it is were obviously in some secluded area in the middle of nowhere in a tiny school, aka my mom. My dad understands. Hah the only thing he does understand from, coming from the guy who's done pot lol.
Honestly I'm surprised I've come this far without anything happening to me only a year and a half to go. My title has probalby got me out of most of it though, I just got lucky. Maybe my fake facade wasn't so bad. My old friend who is said by the school is a complete loser now, they bully her too, at least she's real. I'm not. I took the easy way just be like rest of them and act like your better then everyone else so no one can touch you.
And it's true no one can touch me phyically, mentally or verbally. Not ever.
Inside I'm just me.
I wont end up like Brian, he was jumped two days ago, beat up by 'MHS.' I wonder if he's blind, the inside of his eye was bleading.

Note to self: haha. Stay away from "R.M." We were friend when we first met, but I found out he's part of the gang cliques. Omg Aldora, there is complete difference with high school cliques and gangs. I'm not getting involved in this shit. Cliques hmm because they are all related they all 'click.'

I'll keep you updated Imma write in this thing from now on. When I get to college, no way I'm staying here with these people. Need to get out of central county.

Oh gawd, I'm so nervous what if he's not there tomorrow? What if he was fired omg, I really am starting to like him. I have these crazy butterflies... Please don't let him be fired God, please be there tomorrow! Funny this is the one guy my mom doesn't like from me.

Me

Everyone tells me I've changed.
Not gonna lie, I have changed.
Call it peer pressure, I call it finding me.
Like it or don't, just walk away like the rest of em.





Hehe ;)

Best Friend?

So lately I've got to be really close friends with a guy named John. But I mean we've been good friends for years. I think he likes me, but I don't like him...he's like a brother to me. But I'mreally starting to tell... I mean last night we were on the phone till 4 in the morning it wasn't till then that I realized he really like me. We played the question game and most of the questions were who do I like (which he asked twice), who i've liked this year and other really personal questions. But now I'm thinking back. He always hugs me, he puts my hair behind my ear ugh... and holds onto my hand. It's just when I asked him the same questions he said he liked this girl Ashley which I knew to be a fact he said a month ago then changed its to 2 weeks and then to less then a week. I dont know he was just changing it because he knew I didn't like him. But I really have no idea! Its just if I find out he does how can I be good friends with him without leading him on?

Omg tommorow I'm going to see Dave!!!!! <3 I'm so excited and nervous my plan better workkk!!

Truth

I didn't think I'd feel again. Not so soon, not in high school.
I always said I'd finally meet new guys at my new job, new people, but I was kidding! I didn't think I'd actually have feelings. I tried not having feeling's for guys, in the end there's always pain. I did so good for two years, after Davi. I build up these walls but then right when I meet that person, it's like everything I worked so hard for is gone. Now I sound like this depressed heart broken girl lol. But oh well no one reads this shit lol. Anyways this guy, I just, it just happened. This is going to sound sappy, but he has the most beautiful smile ever lol...I'm sorry it took me week to even look at his name tag because I couldn't stop staring at his eyes and smile. He's so happy, thats what I love, I love guy who smile. He's muscular and masculine not freaking noddle. I wonder what sports he plays.
He got yelled at his boss the other day, we're so similar, we both always get in trouble, it feels so wierd typing it but its true, we both stand up for ourselves and speak out. He's mature... he's kind of old, he's 20 and goes to Fitchburg state college. He's better then all the guys my age, he's mature, that's what matters to me. Its so cute how he greets me, he always notices me and when he does he stares, then smiles and then nods. It's so cute how he nods, cuz it he means it cuz he recognized I'm there. When I left kept staring omg, I'm really starting to like him, it's so bad. Omg it's like I've never learned since Davi, or from Jeff. Right now I can't stop smiling, I have butterflies, I feel so high lol.
God, please let this be real, just once. Omg so cuteeee when he was across the room and he noticed me... just the way he stared it was so obvious, I need to see him again. He got in trouble with out boss and he kept glancing at me and smiling and our boss got even more mad. We have to have breaks together, i just omg, this is so bad,
help...
The funny part is, that this is the one guy my mom doesn't like from me. He has a ear ring which makes him, 'modern.' I love his ear ring, I always like ear rings in guys honestly, just one though anything else is gross. My mom doesn't understand, I'm not like some old fashioned 100% girl that everyone expets me to be. I'm American, I'm not Peruvian, I'm not French, American. I'm not saying that either side is wrong or right, simply that I'm my own individual, myself, my opinion.
In all seriousness, when I went to Peru a lot of the people seemed strangely similar. They all had the same superstitions and myths... passed down from generations, but there absolutely no proof for what they say because there is no proof. It's just you'd think like, I dont know I don't know enough and I'm not judging but you'd think that maybe one day they'd develop their own opinion or actually look up and research the truth. Idk, thats just me. My whole life, I listened to what my parents say but all because they said it, it doesn't make it right. Thats just me.
But anyways what I like about him is that he's open minded. <3 :)

I can't wait to see him