Wow

I'm so confuzed but when am I not. I can't help but like him, but its so wrong. But I'm so confuzed, there's Nicholas, which would be so much better for me. But I just dont know anything, I have too much going on right now.

Ughhh

I saw him again today. He smiled and said Hi. I barely smiled back. Then when I was leaving he just stared at me instead trying to meet my gaze but I just looked away. Thats what I always do. Why am I so scared to feel again? I want to change but I don't know how.

o.o

So personal but I can relate to this song to every time of my life...

"And I don't want the world to see me'cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am"

ahahhaha

Ok so today I saw that guy again at the supermarket. lolol. Omg he was there too. I walked by and he smiled at me. omg. omg. He said, "Oh Wow! You look different," smiling. omg im so dumb and I smiled back so dumbly and said, "Oh okk." I didn't know what to say it wasn't a direct compliment. im sooo dumbbb. I showed my mom too him, of course she doesnt like him because he has a ear ring cuz its modern. But she understand since we live in the US its not like Peru haha, I honestly like an ear ring on a guy which is wierd. Hes very different from most guys I was interested in, hes kind of big, I mean very muscular.... lol...
I hope hes there tommorow omggg. lol

I thought I could again.
But I can't.
I'm sorry.

WOw..

Today I got into a huge fight at school. It was in History, Mike sits behind me. He was making fun of the way I talk, I was like you didn't just say that to my face lol. I don't let anyone say anything about me to my face, and if you piss me off like that, oh god don't even. So he's making these impersonations of me, then he's making fun of the way I laugh. Kristal gave me that look, so I smiled and yelled, "AT least I DONT smell like shit like you!" The whole class heard, his face turned red. And what I said was 100% true, everyone knows that, so everyone laughed. He shook his desk, he couldn't come up with anything to say until he said, "Close your legs," screaming it into my ear. Nobody said anything because what he said WAS SO STUPID LOL. Worst come back ever. The teacher heard and pulled us into the hallway. I'm not scared of him. Which I don't know if it's a good or bad thing. I'm seeing him again at the party tommorow, since we are out of school, I dont know what to expect.

:/ (Cont)

Oh one thing I just want to add. I really love my friends, I really do. But I know how immature some of them are, I don't trust anyone but myself. I've lost so many people over the years, I don't let anyone get close to me. With the school I used to go to, I've learned so much. If education was based on street smart I'd have graduated college by now. Or in the area I used to live in I had to deal with that everyday. Hearing people scream at night or gun shots. I remember in the middle of the night when I was 14 my mom and I hid in the hallway where there were no windows waiting for the screaming and shooting to stop. Or my dad whos lied my entire life, I can see through anyone's lie, including Ronie. I hate lying so much and this nothing to be proud of, but I'm a good liar. But I rarely ever lie though. Now I'm getting off topic, I just really want to go to college, at my new job most of the guys are older then me and they are all SOO different. I didn't think guys like that existed. I just need to get out of here. Kristal has been a really close of friend of mine now, she's grown up so much. I love herrrr :)

:/

Okay so my friend is having a party, all of my friends are going. But I just feel kind of bad, most of the people have like a couple, because EVERYONE is dating. But I just can't seem to get myself to like a guy in my school, for the past 3 years I've liked people outside my school in bordering schools. The guy I like now also doesn't go to my school I guess its an advantage and a disadvantage at the same time... and I only see him three times a week... But this party is in a couple days I dont think I'm gonna go, I'll feel left out not to mention a few unreliable people are going and I heard they are bringing pot and alcohol... obviously my friends wont do that but there are some other people that will especially the guys. If I go it will only be for the night, NO WAY WILL I SLEEPOVER, THATS DISGUSTING. I'm sorry to my two other friends that are girls and are sleeping over a guys house with a bunch of guys and think its fine since his sister will be there, but its not ok. I try explaining it my friend but she doesn't get it, shes so minipulative, why are most girls so minipulative? So many girls pressured to do things with because of peer pressure. I don't do any of what my friends do, and I have the same social status as the rest of them, nothing gained, all they did was lose.
I'm going to be completely honest, peer pressure had affected me, I've done things I regret. I've had thoughts, I'm not going to lie here, But THINKING, is COMPLETELY different from actually doing it. Honestly, what some people believe about me aren't true at all. In school I act act and kind of project myself in ways I shouldn't. Some people think I've done stuff, when I haven't it's just because I act like it since I'm loud, I'm always in trouble in school, so I guess other people assume I do the same as the rest of them when I don't. Really I'm just talk. I barely even understand what I am writing here right now. But what I mean is that I don't cross the line, I don't smoke or drink, never have never will.

Remember awhile ago I told you of this person who I said it'd never work out between us? He smiled at me today. It's just so unfair. We both know it'd never ever work out. I thought I'd be completely over him after what happened on Saturday, but I can't stop looking for him everywhere I go...

:)

I absolutely love my job!!! I love everyone there, their all so nice and polite. I know like five people and one of them is named Nicholas, hes so sweet and polite. Then theres this guy I met, he told me but I forgot right when he told me Lol, his smile distracted me. XD But I saw him again today and he kepy smiling at and he greeted me and asked me if I spoke Spanish but then I had to leave and couldn't talk to him any more. I'll see him again on Saturday bwahaha. Then he kept laughing at me because I didn't know where to put the food and I couldn't stop smiling like an idiot even though he was too. Soooo embarassing. Oh and I met a guy named Ben at break, he's really serious, I didn't think he'd talk to me but he did o.O We talked about different schools, and where I used to live, if I knew this person, but I didn't because I never attended the public schools in that area. Then he said I would be paid 12 dollars an hour because it was the holidays. I loveeeeeee being at the registed I meet soooo many people

no name

Right now, I'm crying. I can't believe he did this to me. When I tell him about it, he starts laughing and laughing, he didn't even apologize. I lost a friend forever because of him. I know he has such a big mouth but why? It wasnt till I told him I was crying he stopped laughing cuz then he knew I was serious it wasn't funny. Why can't everyone leave me alone about it, they never let go of my past, I've been trying to move on for months but no one lets me. How could he do this he was my friend and right now I'm crying and I dont know what to do or begin.

Friends.

Ok well I'm pissed off. One mistake I made in my life was at choosing friends. I have a lot of friends but none of them are close or 100% reliable with the exception of one. I thought I had 2 until today, now I don't even want to go to the party, it was just, WTH was she thinking of telling something I TOLD HER NOT TO. Especially to him! He told me like 2 hours later, I'm sorry but shes so stupid and now I'm so pissed off at her. I told her I didnt want anyone to know. Its so hard not to swear right now lol. I'm so sick of this social crap, there's so much drama, I've done everything for her, I WAS always there when her best friend wasn't and this is what she does? Then she said that thing about me, that is so personal, I could have slapped her. There are some things you NEVER say, in front of everyone. EVER. I was there when her dad was being verbally and physically abusive and then I tell her a tiny secret and she tells him!? Even though its a small secret, ITS THE POINT. Wow screw this I'm done, like sometimes I just can't wait to get out of this stupid school with immature people, they are only fun for a period of time but I can't trust any of them but for a few people and they aren't even considered my closest friends. I always choose the wrong friends, its just the good friends we don't have much in common but its just im so mad. I mean especially now I'm so hormonal with my period coming, ugh. I don't even know what to think of my other friend.

The Love of my life

Writing is my passion, always has been since I learned how to write. When the whole world wasn't there for me, my pen and paper was. It was the only thing that wouldn't judge me no matter who I became. Always there at all hours of the day. Never did writing give me pain, only relief. If only humans were like that, there'd be no divorce, envy or hate. But in all reality, people judge everyday. Now I know such a human hardly exists. There is no love if it wavers.

There is one person I never judged even though I tried so hard to, so I tried convincing myself of your imperfections. But I loved those to. But now you're gone from my life, we haven't spoke in years and no one knows your name.

I'm so sorry.
But I'll see you again very soon.

Life

How can you lose me, when you've already lost me?

How can you know me, if you doubt me?

Where are you when I needed you most?

Are you only there when I'm your perfect illusion?

Inside I'm a perfect disaster.

My heart doesn't get it.

I couldn't stand up for you because it felt fake.

And when I tried to show myself, I made my escape.

Too embarrassed to even say your name.

I try to read your pages but its all the same.

The light of hope is what I hold onto.

Then why do I feel so cold,

Where is your warmth?

I'm holding onto a grain of sand.

Will I ever be the same again?

Explanation to my Piercing.

When I went into school today, surprisingly a lot of people liked it. But my piercing wasn't because I thought it'd make me look better. Even though I'm not saying it hasn't crossed my mind. I guess, my piercing, kind of represents that I'm kind of a rebel. I don't mean like, lets go get high. It was just... I guess the action to make my dad angry. I also did it because it symbolizes something much bigger to me. Honestly, I don't like it a lot haha, I mean its ok, its so small you can barely even see it. Definitely not keeping this in, its too uncomfortable for me. But its RIDICULOUS how people of the older generation consider it to be trashy. I didn't get my tongue pierced, I'm not implying anything I'm not. Its cartilage the same part of the ear. My english teacher told me today she had her nose pierced and shes a decent woman, shes getting married next week and she has all the same values as I do. LOL, it's funny how 99% of the world watches porn and I've never once even had a temptation too and they want to tell me that my nose piercing is IKFWOFOHFoefjoefojhIDODFW. LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

Anyways, now that I got that out of the way. hehe. I'll talk about my day. It was great. My friend John is really amazing, lol, I asked him what he thought of my piercing and he said, "I don't know, its entirely up to you and if you like it, then keep it. I'm not going to tell you what to do." We get along so well, I can really talk to him and he doesn't judge anyone, if anyone talks bad about anyone then he just doesn't say anything. He's really a good kid... =] Like I admire him, he can keep a secret.

Other then that I went to the mall after and spent $$$ hehe and now I have nothing left... haha

WHAT!

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

I

HATE

U!

LOL

but the best part is, I DONT CARE. Dont judge me.